One Lucky Mama

Today I decided to set myself free. 

It occurred to me, rather suddenly, that I've been making myself anxious and putting all sorts of unnecessary stress on myself ever since I became a stay-at-home mom. With good intention, I turned it into a job. And it is a job, but by its very unique nature, it isn't your typical job. I didn't make this distinction at first though. For the last 8 months, since my son was born, I've insisted that I need to be constantly doing things. There is always house work to be done, errands to run, meals to cook, and drawers to organize after all, right? I worked unrelentingly at these tasks and, for whatever reason, made sure not to get too much enjoyment from the outings and activities I planned with my kids. Even an afternoon at the pool or a trip to the park or museum had to be viewed as part of the "job" instead of what it was: fun. Playtime was part of Worktime so it couldn't really be quite as fun.  I hardly even allowed myself time to read the newspaper or flip through a magazine, or God forbid, sit down and read a book. 

So today, while driving through the nature preserve near our house to lull my sick baby to sleep, I decided to change my perspective. Instead of viewing it as an inconvenience keeping me from sweeping the kitchen floor, it was a fun little drive with my daughter. We sipped our latte/hot chocolate, listened to classical music (very calming for my mom-brain), and talked about the trees, the frozen rivers we passed by, and what the animals were doing to keep warm. 

What was shown to me today is that I've given myself more work than I really need to do. I've made myself believe that no matter how much I do in a day, it will never be enough. But the truth is, all that I do is enough. I am enough. I've put undue stress on myself in order to prove to others (and probably to prove to myself how hard I work) how challenging it is to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't need to prove that to anyone, nor does any other stay-at-home parent. Its a hard job, no doubt. As a stay-at-home parent, we are on-call 24/7. We are responsible for the safety and well-being of the most important people in our lives. Even my daughter said to me earlier this week, "Mom, being a mom is super important! You have to keep your kids alive!" So today I let go of this insistence on making myself unhappy just so I can hold my stress up for all to see while rattling off all the things I have to do in a day. 

I'm very lucky to be where am, doing what I'm doing. That's all there is to it. I'm lucky and I'm grateful. I can still share that which I am passionate about with others through my teaching some yoga on the side, and I can also be a stay-at-home mom who has the flexibility in her schedule to sit down and enjoy herself. I'm not lazy or unmotivated because I stay home and I get to do things like watch Frozen and drink hot chocolate in the middle of the afternoon, lounge around the pool in the summer, or snuggle on the bed and read books and color pictures. I'm just lucky. And that's nothing to feel guilty about. I've awoken today to this amazing life that has been handed to me and today I am beyond grateful for and I invite all the fun, pleasure, and joy that can fill my day.