The Breakup

I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I've decided to get out of it. I'm breaking up with my Smartphone.

We haven't been getting along well lately. I'm finding that its very clingy. It insists on being carried around everywhere - the car, the bed, the kitchen table, the playroom, the movies, the restaurants, even the bathroom for crying out loud. I've started to notice that my 8 month old son really hates it too. If he can't throw it or chew on it then he's constantly swatting it away if I'm holding the phone and playing with or feeding him. It, along with most other screens at my house, is turning my daughter into a zombie. Not the brain-eating gross-looking kind but the I-can't-be-bothered-with-anything-you're-saying-right-now kind.

My Smartphone is very demanding of my attention. When I put it down and step away, it sits there, staring at me. I can almost hear it saying, "Just take a quick look at Facebook. I bet someone liked your post...Don't you want to see if you have a new email...OMG! 10 people just liked your Instagram photo...I bet you want to check the weather, I have an app for that..." And on and on and on. And then it just has to buzz and blink and light up whenever anyone anywhere makes contact with me in some way, shape, or form. And if I don't acknowledge its notification quickly enough, it buzzes, blinks, and lights up again.

To be fair, it does have some redeeming qualities. I love the camera, Google Maps, and Clock. All useful tools condensed into one device. And while I'm very grateful for the ease it provided this past year during my project, My Year of Yoga, one thing my daily yoga practice has brought to my awareness is the absolute necessity of being present. Its taken over a year for me to truly and honestly realize what it means, what it feels like, and how my life is different when I am really, honestly, present. And I cannot be fully, honestly present as long as my Smartphone dictates as much of my life as I'm ashamed to admit that it currently does. Its distracting nature has affected my relationships, my patience, my stress levels, and my overall quality of life. So we're breaking up.

My intention, moving forward, is to practice and live in the present moment. To actively listen to what the people right in front of me are saying. To be fully engaged with the actual, tangible things in life and with the people around me, rather than with what and who is behind the screen. I intend to stay present to what is happening right now instead of scrambling to get a photo so I can post it on all my social media accounts. A memory is not really a memory when its only lived through a screen.

To make this all possible, my Smartphone is now just a Phone with special talents. It has a camera, a clock, a map, and text messaging. All my other apps are gone. I have to check email from an actual computer which means I won't be checking my email during every possible moment of downtime. I won't be checking anything for that matter, while I'm waiting around for an appointment, riding the elevator, or standing in line. I might be the weirdo just standing there, staring into space. But really, how is that any weirder than the two people I saw this weekend sitting across from one another at a restaurant both tapping away on their Smartphones and checking their Facebook pages? You won't see me on my social media sites much, with the exception of my blog posts, my periodic My Yogi Lifestyle posts (the continuation of My Year of Yoga), and the occasional special post I deem worthy of taking the time to share. My phone sits in the kitchen in a designated spot (like those crazy land line phones from the olden days), and when I walk by it, I'll see if I've missed a call or a message.  I'm not accessible 24/7 so if you need me, just call or text and if I miss you, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

One Lucky Mama

Today I decided to set myself free. 

It occurred to me, rather suddenly, that I've been making myself anxious and putting all sorts of unnecessary stress on myself ever since I became a stay-at-home mom. With good intention, I turned it into a job. And it is a job, but by its very unique nature, it isn't your typical job. I didn't make this distinction at first though. For the last 8 months, since my son was born, I've insisted that I need to be constantly doing things. There is always house work to be done, errands to run, meals to cook, and drawers to organize after all, right? I worked unrelentingly at these tasks and, for whatever reason, made sure not to get too much enjoyment from the outings and activities I planned with my kids. Even an afternoon at the pool or a trip to the park or museum had to be viewed as part of the "job" instead of what it was: fun. Playtime was part of Worktime so it couldn't really be quite as fun.  I hardly even allowed myself time to read the newspaper or flip through a magazine, or God forbid, sit down and read a book. 

So today, while driving through the nature preserve near our house to lull my sick baby to sleep, I decided to change my perspective. Instead of viewing it as an inconvenience keeping me from sweeping the kitchen floor, it was a fun little drive with my daughter. We sipped our latte/hot chocolate, listened to classical music (very calming for my mom-brain), and talked about the trees, the frozen rivers we passed by, and what the animals were doing to keep warm. 

What was shown to me today is that I've given myself more work than I really need to do. I've made myself believe that no matter how much I do in a day, it will never be enough. But the truth is, all that I do is enough. I am enough. I've put undue stress on myself in order to prove to others (and probably to prove to myself how hard I work) how challenging it is to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't need to prove that to anyone, nor does any other stay-at-home parent. Its a hard job, no doubt. As a stay-at-home parent, we are on-call 24/7. We are responsible for the safety and well-being of the most important people in our lives. Even my daughter said to me earlier this week, "Mom, being a mom is super important! You have to keep your kids alive!" So today I let go of this insistence on making myself unhappy just so I can hold my stress up for all to see while rattling off all the things I have to do in a day. 

I'm very lucky to be where am, doing what I'm doing. That's all there is to it. I'm lucky and I'm grateful. I can still share that which I am passionate about with others through my teaching some yoga on the side, and I can also be a stay-at-home mom who has the flexibility in her schedule to sit down and enjoy herself. I'm not lazy or unmotivated because I stay home and I get to do things like watch Frozen and drink hot chocolate in the middle of the afternoon, lounge around the pool in the summer, or snuggle on the bed and read books and color pictures. I'm just lucky. And that's nothing to feel guilty about. I've awoken today to this amazing life that has been handed to me and today I am beyond grateful for and I invite all the fun, pleasure, and joy that can fill my day. 

My Yogi Lifestyle (Day 359)

‪#‎myyogilifestyle‬ is a continuation of ‪#‎myyearofyoga‬, picking up where I left off when the year came to an end. One of my intentions for the new year is to be mindful of where I channel my energy and I've come to realize that means spending less time in front of my telephone or computer screen and more time focusing on the Real that's right in front of me. I also, however, feel that my energy is well spent in sharing what I learn and how I live my yoga, and so, these posts will continue indefinitely but not daily. Here is what inspired me today...

My intention for today is to practice Santosha, or contentment. As humans, we seem to always be looking for the next thing, striving for more, and believing that what we have right now just isn't enough. As soon as we get what we want, we want something more. We push ourselves to hard, we are impatient with ourselves and our lives, and we end up breaking ourselves down, becoming less productive, less happy, and less at peace with the way things are. There is, no doubt, a great deal of good that comes from looking forward, setting goals, and working hard to achieve our dreams. The disconnect, though, is when we become disillusioned by this imagined future self or this imagined future life. We disconnect completely with the present and when we are not living in the present, we are not really living at all. We must continue to work toward our goals and intentions while at the same time, letting go of our attachment to some expected outcome. We must be content with and find peace with where we are now and with each step that we take along our journey. Each step is as significant, if not more so, than any final outcome. "Allow yourself to savor the sweetness of Santosha, and you'll find yourself deeply satisfied with much of what life has to offer." ~Constance L. Habash

Oh So Grateful: A Gratitude Practice

This busy holiday season has kept me away from much of my blog writing but I thought I'd share my gratitude practice here for the next 20 days. Each day through Christmas I'm posting one thing for which I'm grateful. I've been thinking a lot about gratitude and being thankful over the last few months and one thing I've come to realize is that the best way to a happy and fulfilling life is through gratitude. Instead of focusing on what we don't have, we must focus on what we do have. There is so much to be grateful for in each and every moment.

One of my yoga instructors recently said that while we can't control what happens around us - our life situation, the people in our lives, or the events that transpire - we can control 3 things: our thoughts, our words, and our actions. This has really stuck with me as a reminder that we have more control, more power, over our lives than we realize. Its so easy to let the ego take over and place blame on external circumstances and other people as the source of our unhappiness, stress, or sadness. The truth, though, is that no one outside of ourselves can control how we think about, how we feel about, and how we live our lives. Instead of dwelling on all the things that aren't the way we want them to be, instead of focusing on all the things we don't have, we can find peace and contentment through the practice of gratitude. Being grateful for even the littlest things, or the things we take for granted, like food on the table or a roof over our head, can bring us great joy. The more we think about and embrace the good in our lives, letting go of our wants and our sense of lack, the more at peace we will be.

Life is good. Its a gift that is filled with an abundance of things tok be grateful for. Choose happiness, choose joy, choose gratitude, and choose to be at peace within.

Oh So Grateful Day 1: 

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about #gratitude. As part of #myyearofyoga I thought I would add one post each day from now through Christmas of something for which I am #grateful. Today I'm grateful for these little angels and all the heartwarming smiles they bring to my life.

Oh So Grateful Day 2: 

Today I'm #grateful for this generous little spirit who picked out and wrapped her brother's and daddy's Christmas gifts.

Letting the Fog Clear; Put Down the List and Make Space for You

I'm a planner and list-checker-offer. I'm continuously going through my head to sort out and plan my day.  For the most part, this allows me to be organized, efficient, and punctual (or pretty close to it.) But on the other hand, it also means that my mind is like a lake dumping its waters and flooding the land because of too much rain. There is so much information coming into my head, that I've run out of room to put it. 

My yoga practice has helped in turning my torrential downpour into more of a light drizzle but the rain continues. Finding stillness and quiet in my very active mind may very well be one of my greatest struggles. I've always replayed troublesome situations over and over in my head, analyzed and thought about tasks that I wasn't looking forward to, and carried on lengthy, imagined conversations over things that could happen or that already took place. This has only served to keep my mind on overdrive. 

What I've learned this past year through a regular yoga practice, is that when those thoughts cease, even momentarily, I find myself completely present - present to what my children are saying or doing, present to my relationship with my husband, present to myself, and present to the world around me. I see and notice the littlest, most beautiful things. I hear the most amazing sounds, and I see the light of those around me. I really and truly appreciate the moment that I'm in. But then the thoughts return, the rain falls, and fog sets in. Even so, those moments of clarity are what keep me practicing and what keep me truly alive. 

With our never ending to do lists and our culture of busy-ness and multitasking, we must find a way to put something down. To stop the rain and allow our cloudy minds to clear, even briefly.  I was given the idea recently to let one hour a day be completely unplanned, and once that hour arrives, not to fill it with tasks but to simply allow it to unfold. Whatever happens to fill that space is very likely something that you need that perhaps you weren't even aware of. I began this practice yesterday and found myself reading and writing during my kids' nap time. Normally, this time of day is very planned out (chores, prep dinner, squeeze in an at home workout) but that day I cast aside any plans and found that what I needed was some time for peace, quiet, and creativity. The next day my unplanned hour was playing games with my kids.  What will today bring? I have no idea. But I'm excited to find out!

(Not) Being Super Woman

With Halloween just around the corner, I've been trying to decide what I should dress up as. The other day, after running the kids from place to place, grocery shopping, preparing dinner, and getting my early morning workout in, I practically fell into bed and sarcastically declared that I was going as Super Woman because that way I wouldn't need a costume. Only I don't really see myself as Super Woman, just as a woman trying to be inordinately Super. And honestly, I really can't justify this need to do it all, and it takes every ounce of what I've learned from my yoga practice to let go of perfection and accept that I'm enough just the way I am. 

I recently transitioned from nearly full time yoga instructor to stay-at-home mom. This has been a huge shift for me with my biggest challenge being my battle against self doubt and guilt about whether I'm doing enough and whether I'm doing it all well enough. The guilt usually comes in the form of not being able to do it all. I stay home. I don't have to be in the studio most of the day like I used to or in the office all day like most of my friends. So how is it that I don't have a perfectly put together house? Why are mac n' cheese, pizza, and leftovers regulars on my dinner menu rotation? How am I not able to make all the made-from-scratch creative meals I thought I would when I decided to stay home? Why do my floors always look a little gross (the dog has something to do with it) and why does it take me an entire week to get even a few errands run? I've asked myself, "Am I being lazy? Am I being selfish?" After all, a chuck of my time is taken up with my yoga practice, running, and, like right now, sitting down to write. 

What I have to remind myself is that doing things I enjoy and taking care of myself to stay healthy and fit are not selfish. They are, actually, quite selfless. I've used this analogy before and it came to me in an article I read the other day: if you're on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop down, you put yours on first then help others. It makes so much sense. If we can't breathe, how can we take care of anyone else? Women are often considered the nurturers, givers, and caretakers, and so we often give ourselves to others to the point where we have nothing left for ourselves. If we could just let go of something and allow time to nurture our own selves, to let ourselves be enough without guilt or shame, then and only then can we truly help and nurture others.

The question is, can we ever just be enough for ourselves? Women today are told that they can have it all. We are remarkable multi-taskers. We are, it seems, expected to be attentive moms, doting wives, and work full time. We can be the breadwinner and the housewife and still spend time with our friends. We can stay fit and healthy and keep ourselves put together. And I suppose that we can do all of this…if we want to sacrifice sleep (because there really are just not that many hours in the day), and drive ourselves (and everyone around us) completely crazy. The truth is, we can't do it all, and when we do manage to squeeze it all in, much of it is done half heartedly and without presence. I completely believe that its ridiculous and unhealthy to try to convince ourselves otherwise. Presence, not perfection, is the intention.

I've always been a people pleaser. I'd say yes to just about anything in order to help out someone else. And while wanting to help others is a wonderful and admirable quality, I learned pretty quickly that when you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to another. When I started having children, I kept saying yes to everyone and everything outside of my family. Then I'd be resentful of how busy I was and how little time I had with my husband and baby daughter. I sometimes look back and struggle to remember fully my daughter's infancy. I was there for it, but I wasn't present. As my yoga practice progressed, I began to realize this.  When my son was born this past spring, I made the conscious choice to be present for him and for my daughter and husband as well. For me, this meant choosing to stay home. I know plenty of incredible women, nearly all of my friends as a matter fact, who work full time and are attentive, loving mothers and wives at the same time. Its not about choosing one or the other, its about making conscious choices that keep you happy and healthy.  For me , the decision to stay home wasn't an easy one but I know it has been the right one. And while it's not always easy, while the guilt still creeps in and the self doubt ebbs and flows, I'm finally learning that I have nothing to prove to anyone. I'm no Super Woman and I can't do it all. I do need time for me, and that's perfectly ok. When I'm good on the inside, I'm good on the outside. And as Maya Angelou reminds us: "You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody." Take care of you so that you can be your best self for others.

The HIIT Mama

Holy smokes! All you yoga/fitness mamas out there - need a quick, at home, intense calorie burning, make you sweat workout? I just did this workout and it was amazing. I had to modify a few things to fit my needs and accommodate my space (I don't do plyo-push ups for example, nor do I have hanging rings at my house) but I'm exhausted now and I loved it. The best part? I got it done while baby was napping and I didn't have to leave the house.

To begin, I warmed up with some jogging in place, side stepping, jumping jacks and Sun Salutations (about 10 minutes total).

Next, the WORKOUT!

To cool down, I did the following surrender series (hold each for about 30 seconds):

Seated Wide Leg side stretch
Seated Wide Leg Forward Fold
Seated Forward Fold
Baddha Konasanah
Gomukasana
Eka Bhuga Swastikasana I
Bridge
Happy Baby
Savasana (Final resting pose)

Good luck mamas!